I used to remember the good times we spent together - all the trips, the laughter...
People might not know the real reason why we ended it. Some might even be mad at me for doing it. But really, they don't understand.
For two years, I've enjoyed and laughed and loved this person with all my heart. Almost every single day, we were together. We were inseparable. We were best friends. And then came the time I spent two years away from him. Only seeing him for a few days in between months. It was a big sacrifice. And yes, he told me it was for the future. I never went between him and his career because I know he needed it. He was alone there, yes. People feel bad for him. They always say I am lucky, because he is doing it for OUR future. Maybe. Maybe not.
We always talk about random things. About how our future would be... He would tell me he wanted me to work there and get out of my comfort zone. Sometimes, I would agree, sometimes I won't. There are times I joke about him coming home, sometimes he would just ignore it. He would just say the pay is better there. I would always think, I don't care about the money. I just needed him here.
The last few months of that two years have been rough for us. We tried to break up a few times, but every time we see each other, we would always be okay like nothing is happening. And then we go back to our own different lives, the petty fights, the indifference - it all comes back too. I told him before he went away that I never really believed that long distance relationships could work. But when he left, I seriously hoped it would be different for us, because I know we loved each other that much. I was wrong. After two years I realized, it really creates a big gap between two people inlove. Different environment and situations that changes them, and since they are away from each other, it just leaves a hole. You patch things but you can never really cure them. No hugs, no one telling you "it will be okay", no hand you can hold... it doubles the sadness and pain. Longing for someone who can't be there for you. I held on for months there, and when his contract was about to end, I asked him one last time if he would come home... and he said no. That was the last straw.
It was so hard and painful. I am not the kind of person who talks about my feelings with other people... but they should have known. It wasn't just him who's hurting, I am too.. Hindi lang naman ako ang may kasalanan purkit ako ang nakipagbreak. It was US, both of us. Can't call it a mutual decision, but I know we both weren't happy about the relationship anymore. Bottom line is, we just changed throughout the years - apart from each other.
We loved each other, maybe we still do, and maybe we always will...
Anyway, I just had to let this out of my system... so there, the story of our breakup.
I will just let time heal the rest.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
"We are not always in tune with our needs/desires because we find a way to cover them up and move on. But, I have found, the level of disappointment we feel is in direct proportion to the level of desire we have for something. Perhaps you taught me, that some needs I have shouldn’t be ignored or sacrificed for the rest of my life. Why then, would life be worth living if we didn’t seek the most beauty out of it? Deep authentic love. I hope to acquire it someday and enjoy its beauty. I’m sure that when realized, it will take my breath away, as if I’ve climbed a harsh dark mountain, rife with dead trees, vines, and fear and when I reach the top and see the other side, a grand vista, thriving with life, colorful and beautiful... as far as the eyes can see.
Do I have faith in arriving at this love? Perhaps I’m romanticizing it. But, if it is anything like what I felt this past spring, then the hopeless romantic might be right. As for faith... well, faith is a strange thing. It means we must blindly believe something without proof. But I won’t believe until there is proof that love exists. I don’t know what’s on the other side of the mountain. I’ll keep climbing day by day, because that is what I’m supposed to do. But I won’t believe until I see it. I’ll let love surprise me again – IF it does. And hope that next time, it’s not a mirage like your picture has been: something I see but isn’t really there. No, the next face, will be the face I see staring back at me."